Halloween, also known as Hallows Eve, may seem to be the scariest time of the year with all its ghouls, goblins, witches and more, but it truly can’t compare to the terror of domestic violence or hearing the words, “You have breast cancer.” Both are traumatizing in their own perspective and definitely have changed the lives of so many women and men forever.
“I received my first diagnosis of breast cancer over 20 years ago in 2004,” Debbie Wycoff said. “Back then they did a lumpectomy along with chemotherapy and radiation. I also had some lymph nodes removed and I was put on Tamoxifen for five years. However, almost 20 years to the date, I received the devastating news – the cancer was back. So now I’m taking chemotherapy to shrink the tumor and this time I’m having a mastectomy and removing one breast.”
Wycoff’s surgery is scheduled for December.
No doubt breast cancer is serious and scary stuff, but so is domestic abuse or domestic violence.
At a recent Honor Walk for Domestic Survivors, survivor Deborah Hughes-Castleberry, spoke to the group of men and women there in Posey Park in hopes of shedding light on this dark subject.
“Many of you may know my story, but for those that don’t in 201617 I was in an abusive relationship,” Hughes-Castleberry said. “We were in his vehicle when the physical abuse escalated. He broke my arm when I tried to get my seatbelt off to escape out of the car. For over four hours he beat the left side of my body until it was black and blue. Much of my hair was pulled out and my head was beaten against the window causing me to go in and out of consciousness. I was convinced I would never see my family again.”
As Hughes-Castleberry continued to tell her story she began to physically shake and one of the sponsors of the Honor Walk helped to hold her notes so she could even continue. She had shared prior to her speech that when he finally backhanded her and made her nose start bleeding profusely, was when she began throwing blood all over the vehicle and him and telling him that no matter what they would find the evidence, which may have actually saved her life.
“By the grace of God I managed to survive that night but was hospitalized for three days. Strange as it may seem, I went back to him three more times and it was 2019 before I finally broke free from the abuse for good.”
“For those of you who have been fortunate enough not to know domestic violence personally, one of the hardest things to understand is why the victim stays under those circumstances or why they return to the perpetrator. Though everyone’s situation is different, it really all boils down to fear. Fear for your own life as well as those you love if you try to leave. Fear of not being able to provide for yourself or your family, and the sheer fear of embarrassment.
“These women have the right to be scared, because in domestic abusive relationships, the most dangerous time is when the victim tries to leave. Statistics say it takes an average of seven attempts before they can finally leave the situation and stay gone. Seven times they have to gather enough courage and strength to face that danger head on. Leaving isn’t easy. Where are they going to go? Most (victims) have been isolated from everyone and are financially dependent on their partner and scared of retaliation. But what I want these women to know is that there is so much to look forward to once you leave that toxic relationship. There is so much power once you get true freedom from your abuser. It isn’t easy but you need to know that you deserve better. You are worth it.”
Now Hughes-Castleberry is married, owns a home and some land. She even has a solid sense of safety and security not just within herself but in her everyday life. However, she knows that she is one of the lucky ones that has made it out of the nightmare she was living. Some never get the chance to tell their story, hence why she and several others from the county join the Domestic Violence Awareness walk each year.
“One in three women are a victim of abuse at some point in their life. Every day at least three women die by the hand of someone who claimed they loved them. But I personally want to encourage anyone in an abusive situation to please leave while you still can and trust me when I say that life can get better. You are worth so much more.
“I also want to say to the friends and loved ones of these victims, please be patient. Trust them and encourage them. In my situation it was my friends and my kids who gave me the strength to finally leave. They didn’t question me. They just provided a safe place for me and they understood it was not as easy as just leaving.
“If you have made it out of your situation, you are a survivor, a warrior and you should be very proud. If you are still in a situation, know that you are not alone. There are resources and people who will help you as you break free. The Creek Nation for Victim Services was a God-send to me and my daughter when we finally broke free from the abuse. They were with me through the court process and they helped us get back on our feet and begin the rebuilding of our lives. I have attended the ‘Honor Walk’ every year since I survived domestic violence to show support and gain more strength. Now my daughter is an advocate for survivors through Muscogee Creek Nation and I couldn’t be prouder.
Each year Hughes-Castleberry also gets involved with her local newspaper to shed light on this dark subject. This year, the McIntosh County Democrat hosted a Chalk-It-Up Challenge and encouraged businesses to show their support for survivors of domestic abuse and to say “Boo to Domestic Violence!”
Along with the City of Checotah and the Checotah Police Department, the local newspaper and businesses wanted to send a message to Oklahomans that “Oklahoma is among the nation’s highest in domestic violence homicides and that’s not OK!”
According to the Oklahoma Domestic Violence Fatality Review Board, 2022 marked the fourth consecutive year where the board identified more than 100 victims killed by domestic violence. Another study by World Population Review also found in 2023 that 49.1 percent of Oklahoma women and 40.7 percent of Oklahoma men either have or are currently experiencing domestic violence, which is higher than any other state.
“As the office manager of this paper and the mother of a domestic violence survivor, I will always stand up against the abuse and say enough is enough,” staff writer LaDonna Brittle-Rhodes stated. “I watched it try to destroy me, my family and my daughter, but thank God we are no longer victims. We are survivors and we are warriors with a voice that will not be silenced any longer.
“I know domestic violence can be hard to face in a small town where everyone knows everyone. But we must keep encouraging victims that they are worthy of a healthy relationship. I know everyone has skeletons in their own closets, but I will not fear domestic violence any longer. Instead I will face it head on, each and every time. Make no bones about it, domestic violence ends with me.”
If anyone is experiencing abuse the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Call 1-800-799SAFE. The local number for Muscogee (Creek) Nation Center for Victim Services is 918-7327979. Anyone can call these numbers. You do not have to be part of any tribe to receive help from the center.
