Recently I received a text message from a former student I taught in a Christian school several years ago. We both watch Elevation Church online each Sunday and are more than okay with an online pastor. Why? Because Pastor Steven Furtick truly hears from heaven and you feel the honesty and anointing. His wife, Holly Furtick, also has a calling on her life and preaches from the pulpit from time to time too. Even the ministers they bring in always seem to have a “right now” word from God Himself. And why wouldn’t they? This online church family is where we find God every Sunday without fail.
Perhaps my former student said it best when she stated, “God is where you let Him in, and His Spirit is where you invite Him to be. I feel His Holy Spirit in my home just as much if not more than I have at any church. I no longer let others manipulate me or tell me I have to be in a church to have a relationship with God. I know it’s important to have fellowship and to pay our tithes. But I can pay tithes there where I’m fed. I think He just wants us to focus on Him.”
This is exactly how I’ve felt for the past 20 years. After being raised in church my whole life and raising my children also in church all the time, I walked away at age 35 and began a difficult journey of understanding who I was and Who my Father God truly was. It’s hard to explain but when I fell from grace in the church’s eyes, God showed me what His real grace and mercy was all about. It wasn’t about any religion. It was simply about the relationship I had with Him. Though I went through moments of manic madness, He still loved me just like I was. That reality was so hard to grasp when I was inside the four walls of the church, mainly because I had been taught to fear God but really not in the correct context. I was made to believe that if I wandered from His ways my sin would surely keep me from Him and Him from me. Yes, I know every scripture well, like Isaiah 59:1-2 that says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” Of course I had heard all my life that my sins separate me from God and be sure your sins will find you out. But if you really paid attention to verse one it states that His arm is not too short to save nor His ear to deaf to hear our cry. Nothing can stop God from getting to you! If you continue to read all of Isaiah 59 you will see that He really is speaking to the murderer, the liar, the one who argues, conceives trouble and births evil. He describes evil deeds, acts of violence, the shedding of innocent blood and pursuing evil schemes. These individuals have feet that run to sin. The way of peace they do not know nor does anyone who walks with them.
Then this passage speaks about The Redeemer who hears those who repent and says, “As for me, this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants—from this time on and forever,” says the Lord.
This is when I had my “aha moment.” Even in sin He still loved me. He still sent His son to die for me. Even if I had done terrible things, as long as I turned back to Him, then He would take care of me and my family.
This reality took a lot of years and tears to finally sink in. He loved me even with all my faults but because He loved me, He wouldn’t leave me there is my sin and despair.
During the past 20 plus years I have had my ups and downs but I’ve also attended several different churches, church events, Christian concerts, women’s conferences, Bible teaching seminars, services and more. From Perry Stone to John Hagee to Heidi Baker and many other ministers, I have heard them all and have been fed by them all. However, the Spirit of God has also met me in my own bedroom and living room. He has always moved me from tears of repentance to songs of deliverance with wave after wave of abandoned worship to the Only One Who really loves me unconditionally. Yes, He has always been faithful, even when I was not.
To say that coming home was one of the hardest decisions I ever made is an understatement. I knew then I would be coming back to man’s expectations and even to the condemnation of “falling from grace” in the first place. Though God is always forgiving, man is not.
The same pain I felt then and the guilt I had after leaving home 20 years earlier would often come in like a tidal wave and flood my mind causing my heart to break over and over again. I questioned myself like everyone else – what kind of woman would walk away from everything she knew and loved? Though my heart knew the answer well – a very broken one, my mind could not conceive the devastation caused by my own actions.
However, I also know that if I hadn’t walked away I would have buckled underneath the weight that I carried and I don’t know if I would have made it out of the depression I had dealt with since I was 12. I’d always known I wanted more out of this journey than what I was doing with my life within my little four-corners of my little world. Don’t get me wrong – I know God uses the little things to confound the wise but I was a tired, worn out woman and I felt used up. Ironically it wasn’t until I broke out of the walls that were limiting me that I really saw a bigger picture for myself. Of course at first it was more about me because when you’re in sin it’s all about pleasing yourself. However, as His Spirit gently nudged me over and over again to come back to Him, I started getting back to His Word then I saw the bigger picture – His plan and His purpose for my life.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Now every Sunday I wake up before my family does, sit on the couch in my pajamas with a cup of coffee and welcome my Savior into my living room as I turn on Elevation Church. Amazingly He is gracious enough to knock on the door of my heart and His kindness overwhelms my soul each and every day that I sit and sup with Him.
I have learned that His fellowship is all that truly matters; He picks up all the broken pieces of my life and weaves together a masterpiece that even I am in awe of each day. No, I’m not all put back together yet. There are still pieces I find sporadically when searching my soul and when I least expect it. Memories will often pop up of that broken little 12-year-old girl, but as I hand each piece to the Mender and Maker He keeps creating a beautiful mosaic masterpiece of the woman of God He sees.
So you see, it really doesn’t matter where we find God, whether in a church or in our living room or wherever you may find Him. The most important thing is that you do find Him and when He knocks on your heart’s door, be honest and open it up to Him to fix.
One of Elevation Worship’s newest songs resonates with my soul and testimony so I’ll leave you with these words, “I’m removing all the things that would move me further from You. A thank you could not be enough. It’s not lost on me, what You saved me from. I’m running, stumbling, I know, but I’m coming, to give You this offering – My worship I’ll never withhold. Broken, but You call it beautiful. Where the tears of the desperate, Reach the feet of the Savior, Nothing I wouldn’t offer – THERE’S NO WASTE AT THE ALTAR. Where the heart of surrender, Meets the hand of the Maker, Nothing I wouldn’t offer, There’s no waste at the altar…Things I’ve treasured, Oh couldn’t come close to Your presence, Grace upon grace who could measure. No, nothing could measure, And I’m returning, Oh, back to the One, I am running, To give Him my love, Cause He took a sinner like me, Washed me with grace and then set me free …There’s no waste at the altar… Come lay your broken dreams at the altar and every victory at the altar…Don’t make it perfect, just let it be honest. He can use anything, sit back and watch Him … Oh there’s no waste at the altar.”
